How Porn Saved My Self-Esteem

It ruined me at first but losing my sexuality in a man who was more interested in porn then the woman in his bed helped me realize I am not the problem.

The Billie Eilish interview about porn and how it ruined her made some realizations of my own resurface.

My ex-fiance had a massive porn habit and regardless of what I was open to in the bedroom, I was “vanilla” I wasn’t. What he wanted was what he watched online. Everything from spitting, name calling, and things he had never done before. He claimed his ex-girlfriend was into that kind of stuff and for 9 years, he craved it from me too.

I’m going to pause here to make a note that his ex girlfriend and him were together for a year when they were 18. So there is almost no way they did half the stuff he claimed they did. I know he was saying this to get a response out of me based off of the relationship his ex and I had and it was a manipulation tactic to get what he wanted.

I am also going to say here: I am not kink shaming, I do not kink shame. I just didn’t want to be spit on or any of the other degrading things he wanted to do to me.

My self-esteem hit an all time low and I started watching porn myself to get “ideas” for him. Which is something I would never do now.

Now that I’ve been without the master manipulator for so long, I am starting to realize that not only was I not “kink-shaming” him like he would say I was, I was in the right in thinking that he had the issue. He had…